So, it is God-awful hot and humid in Maryland in the summer, oh, about 700% of the days between April and October. This is why I pretty much live in dresses in the summer, especially ones I can wear to work. So that’s what I did today, I wore a dress to work.
About lunch time, my teammate needed help taking out big Rubbermaid storage containers to her car, so I offered to help. We walked through our building and out into the parking lot where, trust me on this, the wind was waaaaaay fucking gustier than it had been this morning. I was walking ahead of my teammate carrying a Rubbermaid and as we are heading to her car, what happens? Fucking Marilyn Monroe on the New York City vent happened. Hurricane Hide Your Shame happened. Industrial fans powered only by giant middle fingers happened.
My dress. Flew up. And exposed my ass.
Go ahead and read that again. Take your time.
That’s right, my dress FLEW UP and I couldn’t stop it because I was carrying a storage container. Flew right up and showed MY WORKPLACE MY UNDERWEAR. Let that sink in for a second. Nerds, copious amounts of nerds, had the opportunity to see my underwear.
Now, my teammate was walking behind me with her containers, so the likelihood that anyone else saw it is…no, it’s still pretty high. And, holy F, did she laugh. She laughed so hard that we had to stop walking for a minute. Which I’m actually okay with because that shit is funny. It was funny when we told the office five minutes later. It was funny when it was brought up again a few hours later. I’m sitting here writing and this it’s STILL funny now. It’s still going to be pretty hilarious tomorrow, too.
The only form of mild retribution the Universe granted me is that while she was laughing as hard as she possibly could, a gust of wind caught the container lid that was resting inside her container, causing it to fly up and hit her in the face. Her face wasn’t pink with black polka dots, though.
So, that was my day at work. The wind sped by in a Formula F-U racecar and exposed my pink and black polka dot undies to my colleagues.
And that, my friends, is why you should ALWAYS wear clean undies.
Alcatraz Swim Team 